Thursday, October 03, 2013

(Rookie) Screenplay Review: Max's Traveling Carnival

Premise (from author): A young girl discovers she has a superhuman ability and embarks on a quest to save her parents from an evil carnival leader. It's Harry Potter meets X-Men. 

Writer: Gabriel Moronta 

Technical: 96 pages. 

"Max's Traveling Carnival" script link here

Page 1:
From afar, we see a speck close in. 
It flies over the big top and descends. Growing in size, the speck morphs into a clown who... 

 What is a big top? 

MAX TRAINER (43, a short, thin man with a gold-t) comes behind Smiley, throws an arm around him, and speaks to us. 
What is a gold t? Is that suppose to be a gold tooth? Regardless, Smiley is a cliche clown. I would say Max is boring... but Max kind of makes boring look sensational.

Fireballs, firestarters... it's all cliche and shit. The first page is one of the most bland I have ever read.

English is obviously not the writer's first language. Why are so many individuals writing screenplays when English is not their first language? Ninety nine percent of people who write screenplays, who do have English as a first language... should not be writing screenplays. So why do these foreigners... the entire thing is absolutely infuriating.

Page 2. The content... is beyond juvenile. If the writing on page 2 was filmed, I would not screen it for a six month old infant. It is too puerile even for them. And that sounds ludicrous... but the actual ludicrous part, is that it's true. The only audience this might be acceptable for is someone, like, in a hospital bed, connected to a bank of machines keeping them alive. They are a vegetable; they can't eat, breathe, or defecate on their own. There is no brain activity. But, like, even if this movie was made, and shown to a patient in that kind of condition.... I would still be concerned, about it dumbing them down. 

Page 4 (bottom). I cannot go any further. Not, 'I don't want to go any further', but I can't. 

Why in the world... do the, least imaginative, least sensitive, frankly stupid, people in the world, try to write screenplays? And then why do they continue doing it, even after people suggest that they stop, that they are not made to be a writer? (I realize that people are into different things, different films, different stories. But if there is one thing that drives me crazy... it's people trying to dumb down other people with, like, McDonald's for the mind.)

Do these people hope to "win the lottery", make a big sale, and earn a boatload of money? Are they lying to themselves; do they truly think they are good writers? Something is obviously not right in their head. 

Sometimes I just think people, the general population, are so intelligent. And I believe that everyone is clever, and critical, in their own way. And then there are other times, when I become so pessimistic, I almost become physically ill. Something will happen and I will become convinced that people are, for the most part, utterly stupid. That most people are selfish... lazy... ignorant...etc. I now find myself in one of these pessimistic depressions.  

I am over the fatuous, narcissistic individuals who write the worst screenplays, and load them onto the internet by, like, the freighter full. They write a screenplay without reading any screenplay books, without reading professional screenplays, or novels, or anything. And then they ask people to take time out of their lives, to review their screenplay? It's unacceptable.

(Gabriel Moronta, the following message is directed at you, and all others like you. You want a solution? You want advice? Here it is. Do not ask anyone to review your screenplays. Especially not on the internet. From now on, you are the only judge, the only opinion. Take all the "writing" you have regurgitated, and throw it out. You will never look at it or think about it again. If you are attatched to a part of it, and want to rediscover that world... rewrite it eventually, but the new version will not resemble the old in any way. Okay, so now you are starting fresh. Read as many screenplays as you can. Write as often as you can. Read everything other than screenplays, and write everything other than screenplays. Obsess over this lifestyle. Eventually you may notice that you are very, very slowly, writing better. If you don't enjoy this process, if this isn't the most fun you've ever had, the hardest you've ever worked, if you don't love every minute of it, if you don't hate every minute of it, if you don't have a breakdown, if you don't want to quit every day... then this isn't the work for you. Constantly compare your work to the works of everyone else; novels, television shows, screenplays, etc. What do you not see on screen that you would want to? What do you find exciting? Always be asking yourself questions. And question everything you see, read, hear. This is the time to be more selfish than you will be at any other point of your existence. If you write for other people, for anyone else, you will NEVER go anywhere. Do anything for anyone else, you will NEVER go anywhere...)

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